“Your dad passed away last night.” last words... Psalm 1
My heart stopped pumping. My blood went cold and my body became numb. I was speechless. I thought my dad was the strongest man alive and that he would overcome the aneurysm taking over his body. Why does this have to happen to me? My father was all I had. He was my world: my dad, my coach, my mentor, and my best friend, really.
After this day, I was a different person. When I realized that the one person I depended on and loved the most was gone, I shut down. I wanted to curl up and be alone all day in my room. I never wanted to talk or be bothered by anything. I pushed away my family and friends and was very rude. I didn’t care about anyone except myself. I tried to believe that my dad would walk through the door sooner or later and ask me to go out and have a catch with him. I knew it would never happen, but I just could not accept that I was never going to see him ever again. He will never be there to see me as mature woman and he will never be able to hold his grandkids. That’s what hurts the most.
One of the worst feelings I felt after my dad’s death, was the one I got when people didn’t understand why I was still upset. People believed that I should have gotten over his death a week or two after he was gone. All I could do was try and be strong. I bottled up my emotions. The first day of work, two weeks after his death, all I could do was smile. I didn’t talk, and if I didn’t pretend to be happy, I would have broken down. To this day I try to hold in my tears as much as possible. When my friends complain that they hate their parents because they won’t let them go to a party that weekend, it makes envy them. They still have both parents, and have no idea what can happen in the blink of an eye. People don’t understand how lucky they really are.
After a while, I was able to learn that life could continue without my dad. I learned that I had to accept what just happened to me, because there was nothing I could do to ever bring him back. I have become strong and wise and I learned who my real friends were. Those that said “I’m here for you if you need me” but never actually approached me after my dad’s passing were useless to me. I needed friends that showed that they were there for me. I needed friends I could cry with and vent to. The people who were there for me back then are the people I can consider my best friends today. I have been through a lot more than many people my age, and I feel that it has made me into a more mature being. I am an older, wiser, and stronger person than I was before.
I have slowly started appreciating more. I used to not care about much. I lived life day by day, usually got what I wanted, and took things for granted. Now, I don’t get caught up in little fights because I know that it’s not worth it. Things can happen in a split second, and life can end at anytime. We do not know our expiration dates, and I want to live my life to the fullest and not pause it to resolve a stupid fight over nothing.
My dad's death has changed me in many ways, some good, and others bad. It sparked a turning point in my life, and I had no other choice than to continue moving forward. I think about the memories we shared every night. My room is filled of pictures of us together. While seeing these always make me sad, it makes me feel so lucky to have gotten to share 24 years of my life with him. I still am, and will always be a “daddy’s girl.”
I got touched by heart everytime I listen to "Psalm 1" by Perttu Kivilaakso. I remember once my dad heard it. He said "that's sounds beautiful". Then, few months ago I got a talk with Perttu about the background of this composition. It took my breath away...
Beyond of music and experiences in life, there's a second chance to move forward and a beautiful way to connect to somebody else's feelings. We're not alone...